Sportsball for Dummies: A Guide to Surviving a Baseball Game

Ahhhhh sportsball, the pride and joy of our beautiful nation. There’s nothing like being forced outside of the comfort of my home to sit under the beating summer sun for hours on end to watch it. Oh, how I love watching the sportsball get hit into the sky, potentially striking someone unconscious, while people run around something called a diamond that doesn’t even sparkle. If you’re anything like me, the bases of ball and similar sporting events have never been your strong suit whether it be playing or watching it. That’s okay though! I’m here to guide you through the unbearable and excruciating… I mean, FUN AND ACTION-PACKED opportunity of being dragged… BROUGHT to a sportsball game.

Now I’m no expert in sportsball, but here’s some things to know right off the bat (See what I did there?! Maybe you didn’t since you’re reading this… the stick thing they use is called a bat). Before going to the sportsball game, be sure to ask your sportsball loving friend what team you're rooting for. Similar to how you may have had school colors while growing up, colors in sportsball are very important. Be sure to wear the same colors as your friend that you're watching the game for. Here’s another great tip as well: if people wearing the same colors as you are cheering, you should cheer as well! DO NOT cheer when people that are not wearing the same color as you are cheering. Trust me, you will feel compelled to cheer constantly to match the surrounding energy, but it is a ruse. This is apparently a very competitive sportsball game and you are supposed to be upset if the other color wearing people are happy. To be honest, I don’t know why we all just can’t be friends.  

When considering what to wear to the sportsball game, I also recommend taking into account the blistering hot sun that will be beating down on you relentlessly for about three to four hours. Of course, I can recommend the obvious and say bring a hat and apply sunscreen; however, there is an ESSENTIAL accessory you should be bringing along with you: sunglasses. Along with those sunglasses being able to fight against those dangerous UV rays, there is an added bonus to wearing them at the bases of ball match. With sunglasses (when paired with a mask), you can take short little naps throughout the whole game without anyone being the wiser. Your friend may be concerned at times due to your lack of reaction to the game, but you can always play it off like you don’t fully understand what’s going on and you’re not sure how to react. Granted… this may lead to your friend going into deep detail about what’s going on. Use that excuse at your own risk.  

There are other ways to pass time while waiting patiently for the game to be over. I recommend bringing some earphones and catching up on your favorite podcast or audiobook. This way you can simultaneously see what’s happening on the non-sparkling diamond while also being mentally stimulated by the things you actually enjoy! Plus if questions are asked, you can reference one of the plays you saw where that one guy ran after the ball flew far. Details are not important, your friend knows that sportsball is not your thing and even that slight recounting will put a smile on their face, I’m sure.  Another thing you can do is explore the stadium itself! There are plenty of shops and things to see all around the place. Just try your best not to be tricked into buying a timeshare… those salespeople are relentless. Lastly, if you are of age, you can always tearfully enjoy an overpriced drink. Being tipsy might just make you understand the game a tad more! Or it may make it even more confusing… Anyways, I am not encouraging that you drink, though the option is there.

Speaking of understanding the game, I know in the heavy sportsball game with the slippery floors, strikes are good. I promise you that strikes in this sportsball game are bad for your team. Additionally, not every ball that leaves the field is considered a “home run.” The sportsball must go through the two tall poles for it to be considered a home run (Side note: a home run does not mean the team nor you get to run to the comfort of your own home… unfortunately). Don’t worry though, once you make it to the 7th round of the game, there is a free group yoga session! During the group yoga session, the crowd begins to sing, what I can only assume is the theme song for sportsball? I’m not completely sure of the cultural significance of said song, but it is catchy… if you’re into that sort of thing. Personally, I enjoy music from artists like Steve Lacy more.

Jokes aside, baseball is a pastime that is enjoyed by many! If your friend dragged you along to a game, you might as well make the most of it.  Maybe they just want to share something with you that they’re passionate about and then perhaps next week you can take them to that thing you’ve really been looking forward to.  Just cross your fingers that the game doesn’t go into extra innings (overtime)...

P.S. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO KNOW ABOUT SPORTSBALL

The fans of sportsball games will get agitated if you call the numbers on the scoreboard “points.”  They are to be strictly called “runs.”  I know, it doesn’t make sense to me either, but hey… if it did, neither you nor I would be here.